Procrastination

The title says it all, really. Procrastination. My procrastination; the whole reason as to why it has been about two or so weeks since my last entry, not that it matters, but maybe it does. Anyways, I've just been tired, physically and primarily psycologically strained whilst I've been going about my days, heh, doing nothing no less.

Heh, I've sat at this point for about ten minutes now staring at my key-board trying to think of something to write of, other than some random manuscript or form of poetry. I find it surprisingly easy to write about my thoughts, despite their lack of relevancy to anything else that bears perhaps even the slightest bit of significance, though I'm rambling. Christmas came and went; almost unnoticed, by me, anyways.

So now here I await here, alone, for New Years. I wonder what my revelation shall be; my New Year's resolution, I mean. Huh, now that I think of it, I've never made an actual New Year's resolution before. In that case, I'll make my desire to best my procrastination problem resolute, and perhaps I'll pray again for companionship. In any case, I'm tired of waiting, but with as much time as I have on my hands, I still manage to find nothing else to do other than play the waiting game. By the way, although it may be slightly over a day late..Merry Christmas, everybody, and no matter what happens, I'll always repeat what my Great-Grandfather once said before me:

-To God Be the Glory.

This reminds me of an old Japanese proverb: "Meeting is Merely the Beginning of Separation." Heh, pessimistic, I know.

If Only

If only, a phrase that I seem to associate with absolutely every glance.. is the only thing I say to myself to aspire to the idea that there may be something within arm's reach within the near future.. something worth actually living for.

I worry more and more everyday that I'm going to break, crack, hit rock bottom, whatever and accidentally take somebody with me. Many would believe that I already have, I already talk to myself, perhaps the first symptom of an actor, perhaps, though some people tend to get the wrong idea. Frick, it seems to be the only thing to keep intact what little sanity I have left, what have I accomplished that I can be proud of, honestly?'

Ha ha, "life goes on right?" This cruel phrase keeps mocking me from within the pit of mine own soul, it goes non-stop just a constant blah-blah that rings within mine head and ceases only on the rarest of occasions, and those occasions are the moments that I cherish most within my memory bank. It's not like my 'imaginary friends' are going to respond, no matter how much I beg them for companionship for help from life's many in-sensitivities.

All that I have ever prayed for, within the most heartfelt of ways, in comparison to my other prayers I may as well have never prayed for anything other than this: I just want somebody to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be all right.

I assume whilst typing these words that I am only doing so simply because I am slightly more than half-exhausted. As hard as and as selfish as it is to say, I just don't want to be lonely anymore. I wonder if I even should have recorded my thoughts this night, right as of now I can only think of three things and one of them is sleep, so I'll act upon that desire I suppose. I really appreciate those of you whom have dealt with the regrets and sorrows of a youth long enough to reach this point of my excerpt; I appreciate it. Goodnight, and take care.

-To God Be the Glory

Irony of Convenience

Well I've just gotten back from wasting two or-so hours at Safeway as of today trying to apply for a job as a StarBucks attendant. Luckily enough for myself, SafeWay was hiring, and there was a computer terminal for convenience within the store. It required information of sorts ranging from an E-Mail address to my social security number...which I did not have. I immediately went home after about 30 minutes of standing at this terminal inputting my personal information until I had to make a thirty minute walk back home, called my mother to get the actual number, then walked thirty minutes back to the store to begin again. (Yes, this is long-winded but bear with me) I placed my information a third time and then the entire machine just...broke. It began to work again after about five minutes of me kicking the terminal (silently since this was a public machine) and I placed my information a fourth time. This time it finally worked and I was granted an INCREDIBLY satisfying message the read that my application was successfully generated within the system. I went home to check out the SafeWay website and then discovered that I could have filled out the entire form in mine own room....and that was something that I found ironic. I spent a good three hours as of this day just trying to fill out an application in the middle of a crowd that always seems to be glaring at me simultaneously, and the machine still may not have worked. Needless to say I'll be filling out an application from home the next time though not tonight, I'm quite tired of applications and their forms for this day, you see. Perhaps tomorrow.

Irrelevantly I'm in a good mood, which is something that I find odd since I usually am not, I must just feel accomplished, if wasting three hours of your day to fill a digital form out that may not have registered in the first place can count as an accomplishment. At least I went job hunting! Right? Thank you for reading my story as I'm sure that you may very well be quite bored by now, so 'Night then, and I hope to see you again soon.