If Only

If only, a phrase that I seem to associate with absolutely every glance.. is the only thing I say to myself to aspire to the idea that there may be something within arm's reach within the near future.. something worth actually living for.

I worry more and more everyday that I'm going to break, crack, hit rock bottom, whatever and accidentally take somebody with me. Many would believe that I already have, I already talk to myself, perhaps the first symptom of an actor, perhaps, though some people tend to get the wrong idea. Frick, it seems to be the only thing to keep intact what little sanity I have left, what have I accomplished that I can be proud of, honestly?'

Ha ha, "life goes on right?" This cruel phrase keeps mocking me from within the pit of mine own soul, it goes non-stop just a constant blah-blah that rings within mine head and ceases only on the rarest of occasions, and those occasions are the moments that I cherish most within my memory bank. It's not like my 'imaginary friends' are going to respond, no matter how much I beg them for companionship for help from life's many in-sensitivities.

All that I have ever prayed for, within the most heartfelt of ways, in comparison to my other prayers I may as well have never prayed for anything other than this: I just want somebody to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be all right.

I assume whilst typing these words that I am only doing so simply because I am slightly more than half-exhausted. As hard as and as selfish as it is to say, I just don't want to be lonely anymore. I wonder if I even should have recorded my thoughts this night, right as of now I can only think of three things and one of them is sleep, so I'll act upon that desire I suppose. I really appreciate those of you whom have dealt with the regrets and sorrows of a youth long enough to reach this point of my excerpt; I appreciate it. Goodnight, and take care.

-To God Be the Glory